it’s all glitz-glamour with a splash of weird

you know what’s NOT glamorous?! besides those 30 seconds you have ALONE on the stage to show off your hours and hours of hard work and dedication, the rest is well let’s say… not for the light-hearted.

when you don’t have a coach, or anyone that has done bikini competitions to tell you the “behind the curtains” details, tips and tricks. no one to tell you the little secrets only coaches tell their clients and the things you learn over time.

my good girlfriend Rachel agreed to come with me, to support me, help me and make me look pretty for my show this past weekend.  with her push and suggestion after the whole journey was over (and during) she insisted my next post be on what really goes into this sport.. her first time going to a competition she was well.. cracking up 80% of the time from my “learning” stories, uh-ohs and other peoples methods..

let’s say.. google (my go-to for answers when i started this journey) doesn’t tell you the nitty-gritty. because no one really “wants” to share the nitty gritty.. because well it’s gross and can get somewhat weird. and when i say weird, i mean stop reading this if you have a weak stomach, are SUPER conservative or get grossed out easily.

really, stop reading this.  also if you ever want to look at me the same, stop reading this.

i warned you. i did.

ok. SO. you want to do a competition? no? maybe just nosey/curious on what goes IN to being in a fitness competition?  well i’m going to let you know. everything you need to know before going online and buying those clear stripper heels.

now.. here’s a list of things google won’t tell you (some will tell you, others not) that sums up a fitness competition.

….some of these… mayyyyyyy or may not have been the results of me doing things the WRONG way to find out the RIGHT way to do them. go ahead, laugh it up when you come across those ones. i find it comical now.

1. you can’t shower for up to 48 hours
2. you can’t wash your hands for up to 48 hours
3. you can’t put deodorant on for up to 48 hours
4. yup, that means no perfume either
5. you need to exfoliate your skin until your as dry as a crocodile on a hot summer day
6. but if you dry your skin out TOO much your spray tan will look blotchy and that you may or may not have leoparacy all over your chest, under your chest all over your back… i dunno, just what i heard happens.
7. don’t think about washing your face either. nope.
8. you need to get down to your birthday suit and stand in what looks like a space ship, exposed to the other space ships in which other birthday-suit-clad women (of ALLL ages and sizes) are standing.
9. in those pod-spaceship-things you will be told to lean, turn, twist in all different directions.  my personal, not, favorite is the “turn around, hunch your back over and tilt your pelvis forward” move so they can get under your butt cheeks.
10. oh and in the above position, the sprayer (male or female) is on their knees spraying all up in your business making sure every crack and crevice has an orange layer over it. because lord knows no one needs to see that white strip missed where your lady part meets your upper thigh.
11. oh and while you’re doing this position, you need to then life up each leg individually.  think dog peeing on a fire hydrant. again, turned around to the back of the space-ship-pod for all other space-ship-pod individuals to see.
12. but this is all TOTALLY normal. totally normal.
13. so when you’re done getting your layer of body makeup on and you feel like a sticky, smelly lizard, you join the other sticky, smelly naked lizards around ONE tiny tineeyyyyy fan to dry off.
14.  envision a 8X8 spot surrounded by walls covered in orange sprayed tarp with ONE tiny tiney fan and up to a dozen of still birthday-clad women trying to dry off. yeah. it’s weird. but again, NORMAL.
15. are you getting that this sport is not for the shy? the conservative? or any other word that comes to mind as you’re getting uncomfortable reading this.
16. so once you’re dried off (about 20 minutes later since the little blonde FINALLY got her way up to the tiny tiney fan) you need to put on your a. silk pajamas or b. silk robe.
17. you know what you DON’T put on?! you know what google DOESN’T tell you sometimes? you DON’T put on big baggy, there’s-no-way-my-tan-is-coming-off sweat pants and hoodie. because that’s what you DO when you go get a spray tan anywhere else?!?! RIGHT?!
18. guess what happens when you make the above mistake? you wake up the next morning covered in tiny tiney fleece-pill dots. all.over.your.body.
19. not that that happened to me or anything.
20. oh and so after that spray tan, you can go home, get in your pjs and just lounge around, go about your business because it dries. no. don’t even THINK about touching your hand against your body, ESPECIALLY if it has any moisture on it at all. you GO HOME GO TO BED LAY ON YOUR BACK AND DO NOT MOVE OR BREATHE UNTIL YOUR LITTLE EYES OPEN THE NEXT MORNING.
21. when you’re laying in bed. don’t put your hand on your stomach as you normally would. because you may or may not wake up with a HAND PRINT on it.
22.  oh, you need to pee? ok this should be ok and super easy to do. because everyone knows how to PEE?!  sit on the toilet and go.
23. no. don’t sit on the toilet and don’t just go. this is a PROCESS people.  guess what happens if you sit on the toilet (yes this is HOURS after your first ooompa-loompa coat goes on) your pretty white porcelain toilet will be, indeed, orange. and your cute tight little butt? yeah, there will then be a “ring” where that tan came off.
24. ok, no problem, i’ll just squat and pee! easy enough!!!
25. NOT easy enough. because guess what happens.  you know when you pee and sometimes it just has a mind of it’s own and sprays EVERYWHERE YOU DON’T NEED IT TO SPRAY. or it dribbles down your leg a little bit when you stand up?! yeah. you know what i’m talking about, don’t lie. and guess what happens when your urine has a mind of it’s own when you’re HOVERING OVER LIKE A NAKED TANNED MOLE RAT – a “pee dribble” line gets created down your thigh to your ankle. like your a 3 year old child. to let ALL know that yes, you do pee. you do indeed urinate. gross, girls do NOT use the bathroom. (and you eventually become notorious to the spray tanners on duty during the show as the girl who dribbles down the leg. but still NO ONE TELLS HER THERE’S A TRICK TO NOT DO THAT!!) oh and if you go #2, yes yes the spray-tanner WILL be able to tell the next morning from you wiping. and YES they will have to re-spray your butt.
26. ok so HOW do you not let the dribble-down-the-leg happen?! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?!
27. “duh Taylor, the CUP TRICK!!” – gee… how did i NOT know about the cup trick?!….. damn you google and your not sharing the cup-trick
28. yeah. it’s what you think or may not think. you get a paper cup. you poke a hole in the bottom of it. you put that cup up to you. and well you pee in the cup, which then funnels out through that hole you poked in it.
29.  easy enough right?! no splash-back. no dribbles. DONE AND DONE.
30. so the morning of your competition, you try to do the cup trick for the first time.  you’re done peeing, SUCCESS!! NO DRIPS OR SPLASH-BACKS!!! you jump up with joy, whip out the cup from underneath you, scream to your friend outside the door that it worked and you… you do NOT pour the un-funneled pee-still-in-cup ALL DOWN YOUR THIGH, LEG, FOOT. no, you do NOT do that.
31. if you do the above. don’t look down to see the damage. just don’t do it. if you do. you’ll cry.
32. oh you put your silk pajama pants back on to hide the MASSIVE streak going down your leg?! NO. you don’t because they’re covered in CUP-PEE. which will then wipe off MORE tan as you put them on.
33. so you lay your pants over the hotel AC vent to dry off.
34. while your pants are drying off. you whip out your too-dark-for-anyone foundation that has no SPF in it.
35. why does the foundation have no SPF in it?!?! because guess what happens when those bright lights and camera flash hits you on stage? your face looks like an albino sheep in photos. not that that happened to me or anything..
36. so you put on your foundation, your black-vampy eye shadow so the judges can see that you actually DO know how to put yourself together. your fake eyelashes. the whole sha-bang.
37. oh, remember, you haven’t showered for hours. hours. and you smell like spray-tan. which is NOT your normal salon spray tan. it’s THICK make-up. think foundation ALL OVER YOUR BODY.
38. so there’s usually an athletes meeting before check-in to go over all the details. when they give you directions and examples of what to do on stage, LISTEN.
39. you check in. with all the other smelly, oompa-loompa skinned muscle heads. you are all checking over each other, looking for your competition, sizing people up. but it’s SO hard to do because everyone is wearing 3 layers of clothing and hoodies to “hide their package” and keeping their muscles warm.
40. not much longer, those layers will need to come off. then you start eyeing everyone up. this is when the  nerves kick in and you’re shaking in your boots because EVERYONE looks amazing and have clearly put in just as much work as you. how dare they!
41. you get back into your birthday-suits, surrounded by others in their birthday-suits and get in those pods which are now AT the show back stage, which means hundreds of people (male and females) are walkign around with their nerves and getting ready for the day as well.
42. but this is normal. and everyone truly does show respect. because we’re all in this same muscle-head-crazy-fitness-boat together.
43. you get your 2nd layer of blackness on. go through the whole dry-infront-of-one-fan routine.
44. it’s almost show time! (after HOURS of waiting for the other groups to go on stage)
45. you stand in an assembly line and someone comes down with gloves on, a big bottle of oil and rubs your whole body down to make it shiny and stage ready! then after oil, you turn around, they give you almost a “wedgie” for a second, spray your butt with glue, then put your bathinsuit back down on the glue. no one needs a ‘sneak attack’ to happen when they do their back pose!!! thank god for butt glue…
46.  ok it’s almost stage time! you researched ahead of time what you need to do for the league on stage. you do a T-walk, like you did for the other leagues right?! NO. you stand in a box and do you a 10 second stay-in-the-box rotate around routine. WHAT?! but you’ve been practicing a walk all over the stage in a T-Walk routine for weeks?!? holy shit. you quickly, in line create a square-box routine. as if you weren’t nervous already.
47. again. google. damn you that you don’t share that all leagues don’t do the same stage routine.
48. ok, so you’re on stage. you do your T-Walk (or whatever) and you do your little ‘good-bye’ dip and walk off the stage! bye! you’re done!
49. no, no you’re not. you were suppose to stay on stage. as you’ll hear your number being called saying “please come back out on stage”
50. you put a little reverse light on “beep beep beep” and beep that little butt back on stage and stand there while the other girls come out and do their T-Walk.
51. yeah. that may have happened to me. so not embarrassing..
52. phew! pre-judging is over!
53. NOW this is the time everyone is nice to each other because you pretty much know who won. so there’s no more sizing up each other. this is the fun relaxing (still smelly) part!
54.  6:00 rolls around and the evening show begins!
55. it’s now been HOURS since you’ve showered, been able to put deodorant on. you look in the mirror and see that your armpits are turning GREEN?!?! what the heck…
56. i mean, i wanna be the hulk but i don’t want to LOOK like the hulk! why are you turning green?!?! SWEAT. any trace of sweat coming out of your body will turn the tan green. FUN.
57. evening show happens, your exhausted. your eyes look tired, you just want to celebrate your win (or you win for just being there and showing off all your hard work)!  AND EAT A CHEESEBURGER!!!
58. YAY!!!! It’s all over!! it’s time to eat! and guess what you’re MOST excited for by 12:30 at night?! A SHOWER! A FREAKING SHOWER!
59. your first thoughts, heck yeah, i’m going to still be tan and glamorous after my shower because spray-tans last for like a week, right?
60. WRONG. it’s like a layer of foundation, mud, anything dark sitting on your body.
61. the second you step food into that shower and the water hits you it’s like a WAR SCENE. any back-splash, spray, shows every which direction in your shower. you step your whole body in because you’re now used to the look of the bottom of the tub slightly orange. BAM. it’s like the spray just FALLS off your body and now there’s brown/orange/red EVVEERRYYWWHEERREEE. you can’t even see your feet in the water below you. you scream the first time this happens because you swear someone stabbed you and you’re bleeding everywhere. i mean, no you don’t. you don’t get scared and scream for your husband at all.. weird..
61. ok, so when you get out of the shower and look in the mirror you’re going to be a sun-kissed goddess!
62. no, no you won’t. you’ll be a blotchy half white/half oomp-loompa leoparacy person. awesome.
63. BUT guess what you get to do?!?!?! PUT DEODORANT ON!!!!!!
64. sweet, sweet deodorant.
65. you look down at the bathroom floor and back in the shower. muddy, bloody-looking scene reminents are STILL there. damnit.
66. you get to whipe it all down, wash your white bathmat and learn to use your OLD bath towels.
67. days later, i promise, you’ll still be q-tipping your ears and find remains of spray tan. oh the memories of being on stage will come rushing back.
68. you take your (up to $5,000 which mine was NOT even close to that) oompa-loompa stained tiny-tiney bathing suit to the dry cleaners that is covered with butt glu and very sticky.  recieve VERY weird looks, hand it over. and run out the door.  actually, make your husband drop off your suit. it makes it all much less-awkward. for you eat least.
70. oh, speaking of attire, i forgot that you NEED clear heels. where do you buy clear heels?? shoe department? macys? NOPE. a stripper store. preferably an online stripper store. good luck.

PHEW! i’m sure i forgot something. if not, i’m sure that was enough, as it was for me to write it, for you to take in. soak it in. all of it. because guess what??

IT WAS ALL A FREAKING BLAST.  the spray tan, the smell, the nerves, the bright lights. the WHOLE, weird, but AWESOME weekend that is “competition weekend” was all a blast. You leave these things with such pride of your dedication and hard work.  not everyone can get up there and do what you just did. not everyone has the stomach to do what you just did. and guess what? there were SO many others that did! they “get it” they understand the 5:00am fasted cardio and DON’T think getting naked in front of a tiny tiney fan is weird.  nope! because we’re in it to win-it. winning with a trophy or winning by making fabulous new fit-friends for life!

EVERYONE should get on stage at least once. trust me. you won’t regret it. i got the bug and am not addicted to this sport. i’m passionate about it, appreciate the other athletes and their hard work, and cannot wait until 2014 season hits where i can do it all over again!!!!! call me crazy, but when you hit that stage, hear the music you just ROCK.IT.OUT.!

now that your eyes are bleeding from reading this… i’ll leave you with a collage of photos.. to better give you an “image” for what some of those #’s were referring to… again. not that any of these are me.. or that these things happened to me..

i learned every single one of these along the way, i messed up TONS of times and looked like a fool i’m sure. but i STILL get back on stage.  don’t be afraid to learn things the hard/awkward way. that’s how you improve and can SHARE with others on what to do/not to do!

ok… back to the photos… be ready people. it gets reaaaal intense. lol


for the love of god… let the pee drain out of the cup before getting excited that the trick worked.


this is the fun part!

you learn little tricks on what makes your body look it’s best. mine, well i eat a snicker bar and a sip of real maple syrup before i hit the stage.
does it work? who knows, but it sure does make me happy!
POST-competition…..


post-ripped-off massive fake eyelashes, 1:30am and i-just-wanna-get-in-bed “leoparacy-look”!

yup.

yup. not your normal spray tan that lasts weeks.

this was after in drained for 3 minutes… thank god my husband loves me.

LOVE YOU DAN! #whoopsies! 😉

THERE YOU HAVE IT. everything you will NOT find the answers to on google when researching the details of a competition.

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